Who would I be otherwise?

It's taken me a while to write in here, I think because I've been debating what to put. It's always an issue of mine, deciding how much to write, how little, how many topics you can write on one subject alone. I'm not a good blogger, but I can turn a phrase; I can get out my emotions. I want to be able to help other motherless daughters or at least give them a place where they understand they're not alone, but is it possible to do that day in and day out without being repetitive and/or borderline depressing. But I'll continue to give it a shot, regardless.

As I was sitting home this weekend - bored out of my mind, but desperate not to spend money because I'm broke - I thought a lot about who I am now. It's something I've been thinking about for the past couple of weeks and something that also has me wondering who I would have been if my mom hadn't died when I was fourteen. A friend of mine said something, that she was in her 20s, but emotionally she's still the same age she was when her mom died. I grew up with a father who has MS so when my mom died, I was forced to become an adult, all the while being stuck at fourteen. I never got past the known awkward teenage years and the confidence that isn't had by many at that age never got the chance to develop. I never properly learned how to use makeup, so until I was about 24 I just never wore it. I think I'm probably better than I was a few years ago, but I also can't help but wonder who I would be if I still had a mom.

My mom was demanding, strict, a bit of a tight ass. But would it be different now? Would those qualities in her change as I got older? Would her guidance have made me better suited to defend myself, to not always worry about what I said, how I said it, the impressions I leave people with? I feel if this was some movie there could be the two different paths shown; the one where I was 26 with a mom and one where I was 26 without. I know what the latter is like, but out of mere curiosity I'd love to see the former. Who knows. Maybe I'd mostly be the same. I'd still live in LA after moving from NY, I would still be in the entertainment industry. But would I be more social? Would I date more? (A whole other topic for another time.)

It's just always a guessing game. And it's always a question of who I could have been had this not happened. And how do you become the person you wish you could be when there are so many fears based on this one incident blocking you from doing it?

So many questions...I'll expand more on this in the future. I think if anything this blog is probably going to be a learning game of going back and forth and as more thoughts on this come, more entries will be written. And I will do much much better at updating this. Promise.